Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
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My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Finally! 😈
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.