I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Life insurance: because why not be painfully aware that you’re worth more dead than alive
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WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Apparently it’s frowned upon to wipe sweat from the brow of a sexy guy at the gym
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose