[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
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Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
@ candidates for local office
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG