Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
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DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Go hard or stay average
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War