Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
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The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Blew out my flip flop…
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.