Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
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I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
What a website
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain