Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
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*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time