Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
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If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
How is it still this week?
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.