Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed

Vegetarian? Sea kelp.

Cannibal? Seek help.

Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?

Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.

2022 will be better than 2021

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”

And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.