Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish you could comment on Zillow.

Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”

The comment section would be very entertaining

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.

What my back needs

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

[dinner time]

ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*

WIFE: not that high

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?

Happy Dad Joke weekend

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.

The more you know

Being rude underwater is snarkeling

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?

Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.