life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
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[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
i hope my email finds you on fire
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
concern
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*