life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
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[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
The game has officially changed 😎
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
A great first step 😂
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone