life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
You Might Also Like
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Lmfao
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.