life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
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Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Beards are a privilege, not a right
i think both sides are to blame here
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
