“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
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“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in hereMe: *pausing microwave
What?
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Name another movie that mislead you?
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.