Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*

Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer

why I oughta

I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

Parent teacher conferences in college:

Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!