Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

I was just discussing this with my cat

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.

-Me, flirting.

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.

If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”

Suspect #1:

Suspect #2:

Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.