Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
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You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt