Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

[at the salad bar]

Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]

[adds cottage cheese]

[adds more cottage cheese]

[adds even more cottage cheese]

[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag

My left hand: imma pet this doggie

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

Oh yeh? Explain this then

Priest: Body of Christ..

Gordon Ramsay: Dry.

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night

Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video