Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

my friends when i can’t do basic math

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

Let’s Go

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.

A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT