Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
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[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video