Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
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*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
good let them take over I have had enough
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
just make the entire table out of coaster
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
