Life is a suicide mission.
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You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Sooo many times…..
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Not all heroes wear capes…
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
tax refund: $12.07
me at chipotle: yes. add guac.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo