Life is a suicide mission.
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I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I’m being attacked 😭
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt