Life is a suicide mission.

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Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”


Just saw a bio that says his hobbies are “Drinking Women Eating Cars”.

Dude. Take up a new hobby. It’s called Punctuation.


When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.


Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.


*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.


Am I the only one who whispers “Get a job” into the baby monitor?


“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.


“No Kanye, it’s called Coney Island.”
“Kanye Island.”
“Coney Island”
“Kanye Island.”
“Co… ney.”
“Kan… ye.”


Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.