@TheTweetOfGod

Life is a suicide mission.

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@Parkerlawyer

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

@FineThingsNLife

Just saw a bio that says his hobbies are “Drinking Women Eating Cars”.

Dude. Take up a new hobby. It’s called Punctuation.

@CantWaitToNap

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.

@brianbowman73

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

@ThisOneSayz

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

@YSylon

Am I the only one who whispers “Get a job” into the baby monitor?

@tehaveragejoel

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

@smedlee

“No Kanye, it’s called Coney Island.”
“Kanye Island.”
“Coney Island”
“Kanye Island.”
“Co… ney.”
“Kan… ye.”

@rotusbrossum

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.