Life is a suicide mission.
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A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.