Life is a suicide mission.
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Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
