Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.

Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

Mornin

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

i’m still crying at this

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*

Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”

7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”

Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”

7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….