Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
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*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
you’re not fooling anyone
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.