Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
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You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
is this how new cars are made??
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???