Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
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Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Saint West, the patron of selfies
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
Good morning.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker