Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
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Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names