Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
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It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Word!
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.