Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
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me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Become ungovernable.
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Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake