Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
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Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
This one, by a wide margin
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.