Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sending in my taxes

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

WHO DID THIS?