spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
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[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean