“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
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Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
j o i m p
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
From Facebook just now…
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.