“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
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Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
