“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
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ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.