“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club