Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
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🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely