Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
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(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
Peace was never an option
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”