Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..

I said, you too..

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

Before you take surf lessons, you have to sign a waver.

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.

Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?

Daughter:

Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no

Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!

Said No Man Ever

A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.