Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

This is me 🤣🤣

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.

Ffs laughed out loud 😂

My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again

I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”

I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”

Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”

I think about this a lot.

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us..

I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.