Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

idea for a movie:

a bear who is a parent

captures a psychotherapist

to cook as dinner for the cubs

and the movie is called

(and i’m very very sorry)

“kids, i honeyed the shrink”

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”

– if people were named like pets

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.