Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

[Having a tea party]

Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*

Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

bible: love thy enemy

me: loves carbohydrates

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

When does CPR become necrophilia?

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.