Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: i want a good listener

superman: 🙂

date: who can see inner beauty

superman: 🙂

date: and looks good in glasses

clark kent: 🙂

date: wait what the hell

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

the pigeons are already plenty salty

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …

What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

favorite tropes as memes

Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?