Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
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[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
How to lose a drone in 10 minutes
-a memoir by my husband and 7yo
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.