Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.

<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two

Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*

Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.

My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.

So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”

I replied “sorry I’m married.”