Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

me when somebody idk start touching me

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

Everything reminds me of my ex

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!

Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!

Parents: lol no we meant a real job.

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”