Life is like a box of chocolates. I don’t have a box of chocolates.

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“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.


Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”


robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest


A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I’d go out to dinner with my parents


Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*


I have some popcorn in my teeth. You guys just go on without me.



-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.


2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.


“Cheer up”, I say, curing someone of depression.