[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
You Might Also Like
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*