@MrNickJC

Life is like a box of chocolates. I don’t have a box of chocolates.

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@sarcasticmommy4

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

@SoVeryBritish

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

@clichedout

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

@theshamingofjay

A threesome? Nah not for me. If I wanted to horribly disappoint two other people I’d go out to dinner with my parents

@TheRealPalMal

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

@YouGuysDoIt

I have some popcorn in my teeth. You guys just go on without me.

@cuntyfruitbats

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

@dshack8

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

@mdob11

“Cheer up”, I say, curing someone of depression.