life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
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Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist