Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
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If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe