Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

I’m a go getter

And right now I’m a go getter nap

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

Superman is strong enough to move the moon, and can fly fast enough to reverse the earth’s rotation, but his most impressive ability is having a steady journalism job.

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat

Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold

Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages

Disgusting if literal: Liverpool

husband: help me choose a baby name.

me: ok, but shouldn’t we go with an adult one?

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY