Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
You Might Also Like
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*