Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.

Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.

(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u