Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
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Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Spotted in New Orleans.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.