Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
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New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I had to Stop for this
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”