Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
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I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Taliband
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.