Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.

My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

My daily affirmation

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises

If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again