Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
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Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.