Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
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I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
spicy snake
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
For real 🤣
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.