Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
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My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Something Saturday.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”