Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
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When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized