Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

A wise man once said nothing.

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel

I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children

huge valentines day plans this year!!

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her:

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

Most people quit when their ahead

Then there’s me

Hi

“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’