Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
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STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down