Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
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Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Breaking news:
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y