Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
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Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
there’s music for literally every activity
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.