Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.

After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes

ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.