Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes

A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

My Favorite Chops:

1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork

English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

seriously you guys

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!