Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
You Might Also Like
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.