Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
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*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time