Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

Coworker: did you get a tan?

Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan

me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫

I may appear calm on the outside…

…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

Creative Problem Solving

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.