Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
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I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Breaking news:
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)