Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#Caturday

I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.

Life: let’s gooo
Road conditions: fuck you

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”

-Trumpsylvania, how about you?

“North Trumpkota”

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.

More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.