Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

*drops something sharp*

Brain: catch it with your foot

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?

him: no but I did see him play checkers

oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.