Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
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.
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A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

Still cracks me up

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here

me: i hate camping too

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both

Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.

me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.